The search ends here!

I wont search for you anymore
Wont look across heads to see that eye meeting mine
Wont walk into parties knowing that you might be there somewhere

I wont cross those bridges, hoping you’ll be on the other side
And that there will never be a bridge again that I might have to cross alone
I wont smile behind my tears again
Knowing that you will never give me a chance to cry again

Those days of searching are over my love
What lies in front of us today
Is a crossroad
Its us who have to take the call

We will choose our fate
And decide
If crossing or meeting is what we want to do!

The year that was…2016 in a nutshell

And like that another year comes to an end. As we roll on from 2016, and to 2017, it’s always nice to look back at the year gone by and count one’s blessings, be thankful for the good and learn from what didn’t go down that well this year. So here’s my little list of the good things that happened this year. There was the bad and thankfully there was nothing exceptionally ugly this year- but there’s no point looking back at it. It was bad but its over and thats what it should be, over!

I’m thankful for:

  1. Strength: Of mind, of heart, of soul. The last two years have not really been a joyride but one of the things that kept me going was a huge inner reserve of strength that I didn’t think I ever had. But as they say  strength manifests itself in moments when you least expect it and this inner reserve has led me through the darkest and loneliest of times, just holding my hand and gently guiding me along.
  2. Hope: Hope is what kept me afloat this year. Hope that the next day will be better than this one. Hope that there will be more smiles than tears. Hope that everything will be ok. It is true that when one starts thinking in a different vein with a different filter, things on the outside seem different and thats what happened. As soon as you look at something with a tinge of hope, what you see is not the black hole in the middle but the little stars twinkling at the edges, looking for a spot through which to get in.
    I spent four nights this year in the middle of a forest and at night I used to sit outside my tent and look up at the sky. Shooting stars and a dark sky with twinkling lights is perhaps one of the most beautiful things this world of ours has to offer. Vast stretches of pitch black darkness and when you least expect it, a twinkling little light breaking that darkness and almost just peering out to say hello. That is life. There are stretches when you cant see the road ahead but just then the universe will show you something that makes you smile.
  3. A stable job and a new house: I cant claim to enjoy my job anymore but its stable, I have a fun bunch of people to hang out with and I am good at what I do, even if I say so myself. So I guess the trick is to plough on and be thankful that I get a remuneration that helps me pay my bills and stay afloat. But the more exciting thing is that I have a brand new house. After years of procrastinating, this year saw me move into “my own” apartment, which I can claim to be wholly mine, with no baggage and only memories that I will create for myself and people I hold dear and near. I’ve already had lovely house guests and friends who’ve added cheer and warmth and made this place special and I can only hope that this will continue to get better and brighter as the new year rolls in.
  4. Good health: We are all getting old and while I cant claim to be where I am in terms of physical health, shape and fitness, I am thankful for no creaking bones or any major debilitating illness. Of course there have been spates of illness, when all I thought while curled up in my bed, that was my last hour on this planet. But then even that blew over and I woke up to realise I still had all my limbs and organs functioning. The brain is slowly giving way, thanks to old age, but I guess thats for the better- one forgets shit quite easily and continues to smile like nothing ever happened.
  5. Family:  The family has been well and healthy. And that’s saying a lot. Of course there have been tiffs, tears and arguments. But which one of us dont come from dysfunctional families? If you do, you are dysfunctional yourself and time for you to get help. So yeah, beyond all of that everybody was well and on an average happy and calm perhaps if i really stretch the envelope and want to be nice.
  6. Friends: I always put this last because I can never be thankful enough for the bunch that I have and call my own. My friends have been my backbone, my spirit, my strength…everything I could ask for and much more. And for that I am blessed. There have been times when I’ve laughed till I cried and times when I cried because they gave me so much of grief. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, ever. And in 2017 I promise to be a better friend to them and be there for them the way they have been for me!

So that was 2016 in a nutshell, very small shell of an even smaller nut but just a quick glimpse into a year that was. It always helps me put this down because it teaches me to count my blessings when it feels like there is none around. So come on 2017, match up and go beyond 2016 and I promise to write you an effusive soppy note come this time next year.

Happy holidays people and lots of good vibes to you and yours from this side of the screen 🙂

Just a Rant

There is this weird heaviness I feel. Like something’s not right. Like the cover of darkness is slowly sucking me in, one breadth at a time. There are good days and bad days and I’ve lately been riding this wave where I’ve felt happy, been content with what the universe was providing, accepting things for what they were and moving on. It wasn’t a sense of elation exactly but it was a sense of peace with what was going on and what was to come. You know that sense when you know that even though times are difficult, things will fall into place. And then I don’t know what did it, but somewhere I lost that peace again. I don’t know if it was personal relationships ( or semblances of relationships) that got my mind in or generally what was happening with the world. This morning as I scrolled through news feeds, all I saw was these angry rants about Trump, angry rants of Trump supporters, the Delhi air forcing people to leave the city, the endless queues outside banks and ATMs and people scrounging around for a basic semblance of life. And it just made me want to crawl under a cave and hide till the world becomes normal again. I hate this feeling- this utter despondency at the state of the world and not being able to do jackshit about it. Aarrggghhhh lets hope this passes soon and there is some method to this madness which will emerge soon and reinstate our faith in the world.

When is it ever enough?

Do we ever stop putting ourselves out there? Do we ever tell our hearts to stop counting that extra beat when it does? We don’t or maybe some of us do. I don’t and today as I sit here and write, with yet another heartbreak that is making me feel I cant walk anymore, I wouldn’t wish it to be otherwise. Because that would mean that I have lost my essence. That my soul has given into the cynicism of the world and what they tell you about not falling in love. That fear has overtaken what I consider my greatest strength.

Someone I know very well and who is a therapist by profession keeps telling me that I am ruled by my heart. That the nurturing spirit that I have will really be my greatest winner in life- he calls it my trump card 🙂 But yet then I wonder, how does this go wrong every time? What is it that the world sees that I am missing every time and I go headlong into it, prepared for what the universe will dole out, yet not quite prepared for the heartbreak that I somehow I know will follow. It often makes me think whether we set ourselves up for it? To have heartbreaks, one after the other, every time wishing it was different and yet thinking that this was a lesson I needed to learn? I dont know and my foolish mind tells me I will get stronger, this will get better and I will be wiser. I will be able to see it way before, like a bright red light telling me not to take one more step forward. And I know my heart will ignore that red light completely and go ahead, knowing that a crash is only inevitable. But then again I live in Delhi and I have seen enough people go through red lights in a blink of an eyelid and come out safe on the other side. Yeah, I know that’s not cool but the point is that at times one has to zip past red lights to address other important things that’s lying at the other end. And maybe one day I will follow traffic rules, only go ahead when its green. But that would be superbly boring. So till then that happens I think Ill follow what I am doing right now. And nurse myself back to health, hoping every time that there is a wee bit inside me that’s just getting stronger and wiser. Till then 🙂


Love deeply and forever

They say love like there’s no tomorrow. The love that is contained in your heart will not only be enough for you but escape the boundaries of your soul and touch others around you. I always had this curious dichotomy about love. On one hand I believed in the purity of love and on the other my rational mind told me it was nothing but hormones playing tricks with my brain. Over the years, as I aged ( and oh boy, did I age and how!) while I understood the role chemicals played inside the body and the brain, I have come to believe also of the immense purity of love. Of the intense desire that once emitted into the universe is bound to have a positive impact on life. And its not just romantic love. It’s any relation that you hold dear. It’s energy and for most parts it’s a positive energy. When you love someone deeply, you wont, in most cases, ever wish harm on that person. And when you don’t wish harm and its all positive, there are rare chances that it might go wrong. The thing is that this love might not be reciprocated at all times and it might not be the answer to all your problems, angst and woe. But when the pureness of that emotion emanates from your heart and touches someone else, it will do good to the other person. And that’s what we want at the end of the day. For good to happen to the person you love. Isn’t that what true love is all about anyway?

We were there

Once I’ve been there it’s difficult to come back
it’s difficult to forget your smile
To forget how the sweat forms beads on your skin
And runs down your neck when you lie next to me
The way your fingers hold mine
Netted, complex…not knowing where we meet and part
The way your eyes wander
Rippling, sad and with the vision of a land far away
I trace my fingers on your face
And it’s like that night
That moment, that second when time stood still
That hour when reality seemed far away
And dreams looked within reach
And yet I am here now
Alone, amidst crumpled sheets
Clutching at corners, waiting for the night to end
Because its only when day breaks
That the reality sets in
You’re not here
I am
Grappling, clutching
Staying alive

It’s difficult to love you the way I know you

It’s difficult to love you the way I know you
The shrug of the shoulders
The faraway distant smile, pretending to be mine
The look over my shoulders and the turn of the head
Every time you need to look at me and say “I do”

But its the only way I know you
I want to lie and say you’re here
Every minute, every moment when we are together
I want to hold onto those like pearls
Scared they will fall and scatter and never be found again

I promise myself on dark and lonely nights
Amidst tears and misgivings and fears
That i will never let you bring me down like this
You’re just another individual in this wide big world
And there will be someone else too

But every time the sun shines through
And mornings blur out the night that just passed
I love you again like my heart would burst
And hope that the soul would come together
Heal itself and walk again on that future we had dreamt to be

The Warm Blanket

There are times in your life when you meet someone and you just know it’s right. It’s not a romantic connection but a soul-connect that is difficult to explain. It’s like talking to yourself and that voice we often rely on,that comes from the depth of our soul, seems to now be sitting across the table, looking at you with a smile and telling you what you’re already thinking. And when you talk, you see that nod of the head and you know you’re reaching into someone the way he/she reaches into you. I often wonder if these friendships are for life and it scares me to even think it might not be. It amazes me to think what I was doing all this time, alone, because no one has ever understood me or spoken to me like this. It’s not butterflies in your stomach, it’s not romantic bells in your head but it’s a warm comfort of knowing there is a hand to hold when the road ahead is filled with pebbles and a shoulder to bury your nose in when you don’t want to face the sun anymore.

Relationships don’t need to be named. All relationships don’t need to be defined. The beauty of these relationships lie in the fact that there is no explanation of what it is and how it happened and for that matter where its going. You discover it one day, out of the blue and before you know it, it’s an integral part of your soul. Doesn’t have to be a part of your life, in what you do, in every moment or every experience. But at the bottom of it all, it’s a connect that defies every other relationship you’ve known. It’s a warm blanket you would pull over yourself and even when it’s in tatters, you would want it there, curled in your little finger as you fall asleep. It’s perhaps not the only blanket you ever use but it’s the only one in which you can bury your face and that warm musty smell of years of use gives you a comfort nothing else can ever give you.

All of us have that warm blanket in our lives. But in our extreme endeavor to find happiness and hit the right spots in life, we often miss them when they are right in front of us. I seem to have found mine and I am so glad I did

The monsters in my head!

These nights are horrible, long, dark and  dreary. Endless hours of waiting for that elusive sleep to come by and take over. All sounds seem so magnified. All thoughts are so severe. The voices in my head seem to have minds of their own, telling me to think something, yet conspiring among themselves to let a stranger sneak in and throw me off-guard. Nothing seems in proportion anymore. The love seems almost engulfing, the lack of it seems suicidal. The little things you do seem so sensitive and the things you don’t make me feel like the world will come crashing down. The phone book seems the best friend then because even reading beyond a point is cumbersome, reminding me why I’m awake. I go through the lists, the whatsapp lists, the messenger lists, the address book, wondering who is awake now, just to say hi. Some seem to be and seem so close. But you don’t want to barge in there and destroy the space they enjoy in the dead of the night. But, perhaps they too are scared. Perhaps they too wish someone would reach out and lend a hand. Perhaps that’s what friendships were built on earlier and maybe we have lost all of it today.