I wont search for you anymore
Wont look across heads to see that eye meeting mine
Wont walk into parties knowing that you might be there somewhere
I wont cross those bridges, hoping you’ll be on the other side
And that there will never be a bridge again that I might have to cross alone
I wont smile behind my tears again
Knowing that you will never give me a chance to cry again
Those days of searching are over my love
What lies in front of us today
Is a crossroad
Its us who have to take the call
We will choose our fate
If crossing or meeting is what we want to do!
The birthday came and went. Like it does every year. And I think for the first time this year I didn’t feel that anticipation, that excitement, that giddiness of being the birthday girl. Yeah, it’s called age. I walked right into that one, I know 🙂 Anyway, the birthday was well spent, with the closest gang of friends walking in at midnight with cake, followed by a team lunch the next day and a fantastic dinner with the midnight gang and two more of my closest at a very upmarket place. I should remember to mention here that I wore a pretty new dress back to front, to dinner, completely oblivious of the same till I suddenly saw a tag sticking out near my neck while sipping a drink. I thought I would let it go but then again its never fun till one can make an absolute fool of oneself. So dinner was spent just rolling over with laughter in bursts around the table, talking about my dress. Of course I could have gone and changed it around. But then it wouldn’t be so much fun, would it?
Anyway, as I turned a year older, something my friends thought they should remind me every half an hour, I sat back at night and thought of the year thats gone by. And I have to say I have surprised myself in more ways than one. Of course there have been cringe-worthy moments and as I thought of those times, I almost saw myself walk out of my body and slap myself for being so stupid. But, I have to say the good times outweighed the bad. I gained strength, emotionally and emerged out of depths I didn’t think I would. Often we dont realise how strong we are and these midnight contemplative exercises are really good shots at holding the mirror up to ourselves and while it does expose the raw, it also often shows us little halos around our head that we ignore. And it makes one feel good. Makes you realise that where you are today, with due respect to people around you, is also because you worked very hard and you should be proud and happy to have come such a long way. Makes you understand that there will be bumps on the road but you only know bumps, because you also know what a smooth road is like. And if it wasn’t for the bumps, a smooth road would be so boring and you would fall asleep and not even enjoy what the world has to offer. So the bumps keep us awake, keep us alert, keep us aware and keep us thankful that we are still moving on. Makes you realise the past is the past for a reason and while one can learn from the past and also perhaps think of it with a smile, its something that needs to be left behind. So all in all, while its been a difficult year, its a year I am grateful for because this year taught me that its OK to fall and its even better to get up again, dust my knees, put on a band-aid and start walking again.
So as I bid adieu to my youth and beauty, I smiled and went to bed, knowing that next year this time I still might not have what I really want from my core but I will still be a step closer than I am now. And that is worth walking on for!
There was music every morning
Known, unknown and new
As the alarm rang, piercing through the room
Breaking the darkness that enveloped my sleep
I knew what I would wake upto
The words made no sense perhaps at times
Just hazy syllables, strung together with chords
And yet as I listened
I knew you had heard it too
And that perhaps was what tied me to you
In a universe so far way
Knowing you were there, I was here
Yet a fleeting moment in time
Was all that was needed
To tell me I was special
And make me fall in love
it’s happening again. I heard a new group today doing some fantastic music and the only person I wanted to share it with was you. There was this irresistible urge to just type into your chat box and tell you about it. And then I stopped myself. What if you were busy? What if you were having a lazy holiday lunch with your new girlfriend? what if you were doing something, anything? but most of all, what if i bared my heart in front of you again, just to have it broken again. So I stepped back and saw the entire thing happen again, in slow motion. Repeat!
Do we ever stop putting ourselves out there? Do we ever tell our hearts to stop counting that extra beat when it does? We don’t or maybe some of us do. I don’t and today as I sit here and write, with yet another heartbreak that is making me feel I cant walk anymore, I wouldn’t wish it to be otherwise. Because that would mean that I have lost my essence. That my soul has given into the cynicism of the world and what they tell you about not falling in love. That fear has overtaken what I consider my greatest strength.
Someone I know very well and who is a therapist by profession keeps telling me that I am ruled by my heart. That the nurturing spirit that I have will really be my greatest winner in life- he calls it my trump card 🙂 But yet then I wonder, how does this go wrong every time? What is it that the world sees that I am missing every time and I go headlong into it, prepared for what the universe will dole out, yet not quite prepared for the heartbreak that I somehow I know will follow. It often makes me think whether we set ourselves up for it? To have heartbreaks, one after the other, every time wishing it was different and yet thinking that this was a lesson I needed to learn? I dont know and my foolish mind tells me I will get stronger, this will get better and I will be wiser. I will be able to see it way before, like a bright red light telling me not to take one more step forward. And I know my heart will ignore that red light completely and go ahead, knowing that a crash is only inevitable. But then again I live in Delhi and I have seen enough people go through red lights in a blink of an eyelid and come out safe on the other side. Yeah, I know that’s not cool but the point is that at times one has to zip past red lights to address other important things that’s lying at the other end. And maybe one day I will follow traffic rules, only go ahead when its green. But that would be superbly boring. So till then that happens I think Ill follow what I am doing right now. And nurse myself back to health, hoping every time that there is a wee bit inside me that’s just getting stronger and wiser. Till then 🙂
Once I’ve been there it’s difficult to come back
it’s difficult to forget your smile
To forget how the sweat forms beads on your skin
And runs down your neck when you lie next to me
The way your fingers hold mine
Netted, complex…not knowing where we meet and part
The way your eyes wander
Rippling, sad and with the vision of a land far away
I trace my fingers on your face
And it’s like that night
That moment, that second when time stood still
That hour when reality seemed far away
And dreams looked within reach
And yet I am here now
Alone, amidst crumpled sheets
Clutching at corners, waiting for the night to end
Because its only when day breaks
That the reality sets in
You’re not here
Is it just me or did everyone feel 2015 whizzing by? Yes I know everyone says this every year but this year it’s just been one roller-coaster ride, whizzing past before I even figured out whether I had buckled my seat belt tightly enough. But boy, am I thankful that 2015 is over?
2015 has perhaps been the toughest year of my life till date. And at my age, I do have many years to show for this one. It’s been a year of personal disasters, of introspections and reflections, of knowing who I really am and as bizarre as it may sound, what I want from my life at this stage. It’s a different issue that I might not be able to solve all the riddles soon enough but atleast the year helped me figure out what was needed of me, for myself.
2015 also helped me see what friendships really mean. Some people stood there as usual, rocks and pillars, without whom I couldn’t take a step forward. Friends who rallied around me and held me tight, screamed at me, told me things as they were. But never for a minute did I feel their love or support wavering. And I am thankful. But 2015 also saw people who I didn’t think mattered, stand up and make it count when the going got bad. Just a hug, just a word, just a kind deed. And it made me believe that no matter what there is still kindness in the world and it will show up when it matters the most.
2015 was a year of a lot of therapy. Personal deep therapy, something I never believed I needed. But today I have realized that it has been the only thing that has kept me sane and made me wake up each day and know that I can survive one more day without killing myself. And the person who made this happen has perhaps been my greatest finding of the year. I am thankful for what he has added to my life and I am grateful that he has helped me find sources of strength within myself. Yes, it is very cliche but at times you need that extra push and a sane external voice to make sense of the mad rush called life.
And so as 2015 rolls by and 2016 starts to peep out from the corner, I stand back and look at the year gone by with a smile and a tear. Regretting some of the stuff that life threw at me but happy that I still managed to swim through the mess and come out on the other side, comparatively unscathed. I want 2016 to be different. To be a year that continues to give me strength but also a year that makes me add value to the lives of those around me and those who have been there for me in my toughest times. Make new friends but hold onto those who are here. Appreciate people for who they are and forgive those who might not always have a pleasant thing to say. 2016 is going to be a year of change and I am going to make it happen. Make yours count. Because that’s the only thing that matters in the end.