In Response

A dirge is only for the weak hearted
Those who have given up on the song of life
It’s not a song for the one whose soul still sings of light
Whose words still make grey skies seem blue
It’s not our time to give up my friend
But to continue in this battle of hapless souls
Because somewhere out there
There is a light that says
The sun still shines for you

The year that was…2016 in a nutshell

And like that another year comes to an end. As we roll on from 2016, and to 2017, it’s always nice to look back at the year gone by and count one’s blessings, be thankful for the good and learn from what didn’t go down that well this year. So here’s my little list of the good things that happened this year. There was the bad and thankfully there was nothing exceptionally ugly this year- but there’s no point looking back at it. It was bad but its over and thats what it should be, over!

I’m thankful for:

  1. Strength: Of mind, of heart, of soul. The last two years have not really been a joyride but one of the things that kept me going was a huge inner reserve of strength that I didn’t think I ever had. But as they say  strength manifests itself in moments when you least expect it and this inner reserve has led me through the darkest and loneliest of times, just holding my hand and gently guiding me along.
  2. Hope: Hope is what kept me afloat this year. Hope that the next day will be better than this one. Hope that there will be more smiles than tears. Hope that everything will be ok. It is true that when one starts thinking in a different vein with a different filter, things on the outside seem different and thats what happened. As soon as you look at something with a tinge of hope, what you see is not the black hole in the middle but the little stars twinkling at the edges, looking for a spot through which to get in.
    I spent four nights this year in the middle of a forest and at night I used to sit outside my tent and look up at the sky. Shooting stars and a dark sky with twinkling lights is perhaps one of the most beautiful things this world of ours has to offer. Vast stretches of pitch black darkness and when you least expect it, a twinkling little light breaking that darkness and almost just peering out to say hello. That is life. There are stretches when you cant see the road ahead but just then the universe will show you something that makes you smile.
  3. A stable job and a new house: I cant claim to enjoy my job anymore but its stable, I have a fun bunch of people to hang out with and I am good at what I do, even if I say so myself. So I guess the trick is to plough on and be thankful that I get a remuneration that helps me pay my bills and stay afloat. But the more exciting thing is that I have a brand new house. After years of procrastinating, this year saw me move into “my own” apartment, which I can claim to be wholly mine, with no baggage and only memories that I will create for myself and people I hold dear and near. I’ve already had lovely house guests and friends who’ve added cheer and warmth and made this place special and I can only hope that this will continue to get better and brighter as the new year rolls in.
  4. Good health: We are all getting old and while I cant claim to be where I am in terms of physical health, shape and fitness, I am thankful for no creaking bones or any major debilitating illness. Of course there have been spates of illness, when all I thought while curled up in my bed, that was my last hour on this planet. But then even that blew over and I woke up to realise I still had all my limbs and organs functioning. The brain is slowly giving way, thanks to old age, but I guess thats for the better- one forgets shit quite easily and continues to smile like nothing ever happened.
  5. Family:  The family has been well and healthy. And that’s saying a lot. Of course there have been tiffs, tears and arguments. But which one of us dont come from dysfunctional families? If you do, you are dysfunctional yourself and time for you to get help. So yeah, beyond all of that everybody was well and on an average happy and calm perhaps if i really stretch the envelope and want to be nice.
  6. Friends: I always put this last because I can never be thankful enough for the bunch that I have and call my own. My friends have been my backbone, my spirit, my strength…everything I could ask for and much more. And for that I am blessed. There have been times when I’ve laughed till I cried and times when I cried because they gave me so much of grief. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, ever. And in 2017 I promise to be a better friend to them and be there for them the way they have been for me!

So that was 2016 in a nutshell, very small shell of an even smaller nut but just a quick glimpse into a year that was. It always helps me put this down because it teaches me to count my blessings when it feels like there is none around. So come on 2017, match up and go beyond 2016 and I promise to write you an effusive soppy note come this time next year.

Happy holidays people and lots of good vibes to you and yours from this side of the screen 🙂

And that story about “Loving Yourself”

It’s true when they say you cant give love if you dont have love for yourself. I never believed this, putting it down to motivational leaders and gurus saying the right things to lost souls in this weird world we live in. But over the last year or so, as I have gone drifting, often looking for just a hand to hold, just a kind word, just a warm hug, I’ve realized it doesn’t come easy. Things look rosy,people look lovely. Often you can see that warm light emanating from a place within them and you think that will be enough to salvage your broken heart, join it together and give it a new meaning. And that realization makes you walk on that path, completely blindfolded by love, thinking that the other person comes from the same place that you do. And it’s true. They do. But that place is also a broken one. That place where they emerge from is also scarred and wounded, held together very gently by strings that are just allowing them, as they do you, to just survive in this world. Go from one day to another. Not kill ourselves but just breathe and look forward to that hour when this day will end and the next one will start, hoping very faintly that it’s going to be different. Deep down we all know it wont be different. At the very least, it will be same, if not worse. But it’s not going to be better this soon. It cant and there’s no point hoping it will. They are also looking to you for hope, for sustenance, for a safe haven. So when you reach out, hoping that hand will grip yours in the dark, you have to know they might not. Your hands might come close, your fingers might touch, your palms might brush each other. But they might not always clasp. And that’s fine. You dont need someone else to hold your hand tight. You need to be able to clasp your hands together yourself, put them over your soul, protect it from the winds that might tear you apart and just know that the power you have in yourself is enough to help you live. For now atleast.

Ramblings…

There is this weird feeling of claustrophobia…of someone pulling me down with all her might and not letting me go. Of choking and not being able to untangle the cord that is wound so tightly around my throat that even a whimper will not escape. Of flailing my hands all over the place just so that I can get a grasp of some branch somewhere and pull myself up. It’s like being in a cesspool. The more I struggle, the more I keep going down.

And the worst part of this is that I hate being in this position myself. Every conversation I have filters down to the fact that I still havent been able to get what I want professionally. Every person who has met me in the recent past has probably thought of me as a whiny, sad human being, forever cribbing about what I dont have. But nobody quite understands what I go through. I have not seen any of my friends look so hard for a job and not get one. And that only makes me think that I am either completely uncapable and inefficient or something is mighty wrong with this world. Either way its not a good situation to be in.

I hate what this is making of me as a person- whiny, nasty and generally very crabby. I have forgotten to look at the positives and only the negatives seem to float up and capture my vision. I have forgotten to laugh and sneer at anyone who does well, thinking that their life is so settled and better off than mine. I have gone from being smily to being depressed and down and out. I hate meeting people who talk of success or who are doing well. Because in them I constantly see what I have not been able to become. I see myself in positions others are and somewhere hurt at the fact that nobody thought I was worth this position or the acclaim. I see friends casually talking of jobs and organizations pursuing them and they not thinking its worth the deal and think to myself I wish I was in that position today.

I dont know how but I desperately need to get out of this state of mind. Its killing me, its killing my soul. Its making me this hapless creature who has no control over her life or what fate has in store. Its like being pulled down a river, constantly hitting one rock after the other, trying to look out for the one bend where the river will meet the sea and just be faced with a dense whirlpool in the middle of it all. I need help but I dont know where to go. I need air but I dont know how to breathe. I need vision but my eyes are clouded with fear and self doubt. I am hoping this will pass. People tell me so. But it should pass soon…soon before its too late forever.