Too late to say goodbye

She stood looking at him
Helpless, unaware, unmoved
Someone she had never known before

His face was serene
And a smile curled at the corner of his lips
As if he knew and he waited till this day
His hands remained cold, his face bereft of any shred of pain
Perhaps happy to be where he was

They had called her that morning
To come and see him , he needed her around
She arrived, hoping to take him back
To apologize for all the times she wasn’t there
And build new memories together

But this was the final goodbye
The last time he lay there at peace
He had fought his battle, long and hard
And took the trip he dreaded the most…
Into the dark abyss of death, to a world of no return

A year…

It’s exactly one year today since I last heard my dad. Since I last heard him call my name, since I last heard him laugh, since I last heard him tell me how much he missed me around.

I go back to Kolkata again today…to remember him and mourn him with the family…together…to hold ma tight and tell her she’s not alone, to remember baba together for all the good times and all the hard times, to remember his jokes and his antics, to wish that this day never came into our lives.

In the last one year I dont think there has ever been a day when I havent wished him here…around me…physically. There have been so many times when Iv picked up the phone to call him, only to realize that its futile. His number still stays on my phone, with his name and his picture…and I look at it wistfully hoping one day it will ring and he will be on the other end, talking to me. I dont cry anymore…my tears have dried up long long ago…tears dont come to me anymore…not even if I try hard.

One year ago I didnt think I could pass a day without him around. I couldnt move a step without holding his hand, I couldnt do anything without telling him…how would I live? but a year has gone by and we have emereged out of it…alive…accepting…not stronger.

Baba…u live in each one of us…every single moment, every single day…ur gone…but only in body. You remain my hero…now and forever.

I miss you and I love you.

Daddy’s Little Girl

Iv always heard people say that girls share a bond with their father- a bond so deep that its inexplicable- a bond so deep that only those who have experienced it know whats its like, a bond so deep that perhaps now that dad is gone for good, will I realise what he meant to me.

Dad left for good about 3 weeks back- to a place from where he will never return. Never. And as I sit and type this, I can feel him looking down on me and smiling and nodding his head- proud that his little girl is holding up so well, fighting back her tears- probably sad that he went without even telling his little girl how much he loved her-but relieved of all the pain that he endured the last year. 

Baba, I miss you- I miss all those time we spent together laughing and joking, fighting and crying- just being together- just being there for each other. And as I sit here this evening, looking at the photograph on my table, I can feel you around me. But I’m angry- angry because you were not supposed to go, angry because u didnt wait for me, angry because u left us alone, angry because this was not supposed to be the way I had ever thought.  Angry, because now you’re here with me…not in person but in a frame. But beyond this anger, there is a love that I feel that cant be explained. 

I never told you that I loved you all the time that you were around except for the last time I saw you in hospital waving out to me the day I left. And even though I knew you would be ok, tears streamed down my face as I took that flight back to work, to routine. And as I sat there on the runway, I never thought I would have to come back so soon to say goodbye to you forever. But as the days pass and the pain grows deep, I realise that you will now be with me forever. It’s ironical that as long as you were here in person, you could never be with us at all times of day and night. And now while I cant hear you over the phone, I know I just have to close my eyes and reach out to you…and you will be there baba- holding my hand and guiding me through it all.

I love you baba…and I miss you.