So a friend recently got onto tinder. She went through a marriage- right through it and came out on the other side comparatively unscathed and apparently ready to deal with the world. So as most people nowadays tend to do, went and downloaded the app, just to keep her busy when all her other friends were whispering sweet nothings into the ears of their respective partners. Yeah, yeah, that happens. That’s why there’s facebook. Anyway, so she set out on this journey to “meet” people on a phone screen, perhaps share a drink and maybe even make a new friend. No, I don’t think she was there for a relationship- that again is a story by itself. But we shall not digress. Maybe quell a few fires of lust here and there if the right firemen appeared, but mostly to just while away her time and not lust after Mcdreamy on TV. So, as she went along on these “phone” meetings, we kept her company and it only made sense that we spoke about it to others, because that’s what real friends do right? So here goes her list of men and the “wonderful” things that followed:
Man 1: Techie by profession, 40 years of age, lives in Delhi NCR, talks like a dream ( which basically means he types full words on chat- we dont have very high standards anymore), has an amazing sense of humour
Man: Hey there. Love your smile.
She: ( Remember, she hasn’t had a functional relationship in a while) Thanks. Thats sweet of you to say
And the conversation goes on for a few weeks. He’s funny. She’s interested. But there lies the catch.
Every time she asks him details- his full name ( Tinder only shows the first name), where he works, plans to meet ( which he brings up by the way and cancels), he laughs.
Time Spent: 2 months on tinder
Status: Very mysterious, could be totally creepy
Future: She’s carrying a pepper spray and a swiss knife when she finally does get to meet him
Man 2: Spanish hot man, engineer by profession, 40 years of age, travels to Delhi frequently
Man: Hey, hows it going
She: Nice to meet you. All good
Half an hour of texting later
Man: Baby, don’t worry. Ill love you forever and protect you against the world
She: Listen, please don’t call me baby. You don’t know me and its uncomfortable
Man: C’mon, don’t be angry. Else I’ll bite your nose
Time Spent: 48 hours on tinder
Future: Really? with a man who wants to bite her nose?
Man 3: Into “fashions” in Mumbai, nothing else known
Man: Hey, you bong?
Man: Oh I love you already. I love bongs. Be my gf please. I do “fashions” in Mumbai
Time Spent: 5 lines of chat on tinder
Future: None. She’s not into “fashions” you see
Man 4: Management consultant, 40 years of age, “talks” well, is well-read and well travelled
Man: Hi there
She: Hi. Nice to meet you
He goes on to enthrall her over the next few days with stories, work tales, funny stories and she feels she’s found someone to ride that white horse with into the sunset. Yes, yes. I know she wasn’t looking for a relationship. But you know girls and dreams and all that jazz. So anyway they decide to meet and she suggests a day and time
She: Hey, you know this new place. You want to go there Saturday
Man: Aah nice. Not this saturday. Let’s do next. Got to take wife and kids out this Saturday
Time Spent: 2 weeks of her life on tinder that could have been otherwise productively spent
Status: Really? did you not read? Married man
Future: She’s writing to tinder about a filter for married men
And with 4 of these encounters and some more she would rather not recount for the fear of being slippered by her friends, she’s off to the market. To buy herself a white horse. Man, no man. She’s riding into the sunset for sure.