I dont know what it is

So here I am, sitting at my computer and typing away furiously, trying to find some logic and some method to this madness. Writing is my only therapy – my only outlet, my questions and interestingly enough my answers to what is in my head. I don’t know how many of you read me out there and I don’t know if the cryptic writings make any sense to you. The truth is that it doesn’t make sense to me too. Thoughts float in and occupy my brain- stupid, random thoughts – often obsessions and all I can do or need to do is just put them down. That’s why this blog. Not necessarily to write what people want to read, but to write what I need to say and perhaps even hear, from myself.

Some people who know me and who read this perhaps think I’ve lost it. One of those many who slip into depression at the drop of a hat. One who likes to make a show or an exhibition of depression. But that is not how it is. At times I wish I could show the depression. I wish I could show how I felt and what I felt. But I don’t know why I feel this way. How did I become so angsty. When did I become so angsty. Why did I become so angsty. I don’t know it myself. I can laugh and say stupid things and crack a joke and make a fool of myself. But this knock in my head of everything is not well is always there. At the back, at opportune moments, at times of self-reflection and quiet and at times of utter helplessness. But this is not how it was supposed to be. It’s a fairytale life- of a home and a hearth, of a loving husband and a good job, of fabulous friends and lots of joy. All of this is there. But in the midst of it, I have lost myself, completely. I don’t recognize who I am anymore. The last few years of my life has taken a toll on me. Of living upto an image, of being the one who can crack jokes, of being the agony aunt. But there hasn’t been a moment when someone has sat me down and asked me what I really felt. What I really wanted. Who I really am. Yes, its weird and looks like those moments out of a movie. But there are moments when you realize your heart lies somewhere else but then, there is that one string that holds you back, that doesn’t let you let go and move on. Would I really feel bad if that string broke into pieces and I didn’t have one to hold onto anymore. Perhaps not. But I don’t know for sure.  But I guess this joke is called life. Of having to move with the tide, ride the waves as it comes or drown under and wait for the storm to pass and come up again, when the surface is calm and composed. But there are moments when all you want to do is just go down under and never come back up again. Wait below and watch, alone. Watch the surface, smile and cry from a distance. Because that is where the peace of mind lies.

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