*Ranty post ahead*
The birthday is around the corner- looming large and cannot be ignored. Yes, I am growing old and with each passing year it is a realization that time doesn’t crawl past anymore- it whizzes, perhaps faster than light/sound, whatever. I just got back from Thailand in Jan ( yes, I measure time with respect to my annual Thailand trips) and it’s time to start planning again. We shall overlook the fact that Thailand is not happening this year, but then that is my time measuring stone, if there is a stone like that. Anyway, we shall not digress. What I intend to say is that before I know it, it will be time to hit the furnace, with garlands and flowers and people crying and waving me goodbye. Its ironic that while a birthday is a celebration of the good times, it is also a reminder that you are going to spend one year less on planet Earth, hereon.
Every year on my birthday I lie back and take stock of how life has panned out for me in the last year and what I want to do in the years coming up. I don’t think I have put it down here but it’s high time I did. So here goes…a small list of things I’ve done, realizations and things I need to focus on from here. This is for my own head, in a way, so some of it may make no sense at all when I put it down on paper. But, what the heck!!!
1. The last year has seen me become really indifferent and tolerant in a way. Of people, of situations, of excuses. I have learnt to see things in the eye and then just let it go, like that. Small things that heckled my feathers and really got me upset and ranty, has just stopped doing so. It doesn’t matter anymore. You are stupid, good for you. Things will screw your life. I cannot help you anymore. You’re nasty for no reason? go to hell. Period.
2. I have started to see family members in a different light. All my life I have always had some kind of reverence for each and every family member, no matter how good or bad they were. Except for my own. And I am glad to say that that equation has completely changed now. I have garnered even more respect for my mum post dad’s death because of the way she has handled things. I always knew she was strong but to do the things she has managed single-handedly has been impressive. I also try to see her as a woman now, more than a mother. And I understand or try to understand where she is coming from, when she is screaming blue murder at me. The same goes for the brother. He has his quirks but he also has his soft spots. The last few years have been strained for us, more so because we live so far away from each other. But I am glad that this last year not only did we get to meet each other very often, we also spent a lot of time and effort, accepting each other the way it is and enjoying each other’s company with no baggage. That has been quite amazing and I am a happy sister. *touchwood*. And for the rest of the family- anyone who gives my mum or me or my brother( actually mostly my mum) unnecessary , unjustified stress gets a mouthful from me instantly.
3. I have become way less judgemental. I’ve never been too much of a judgemental person anyway and I always gave the other person the benefit of the doubt. But now it’s like way over the top. Maybe it also has to do with my indifference and tolerance. But whatever it is. I am happy it is.
4. I changed my job. Perhaps a huge milestone for me. 5 years in an organization has been my longest stint till now. The organization really saw me a grow. I learnt a lot and grew in my professional capacity and I loved what I did. But the stress killed me. My ex-bosses ( yes, two of them, both women) still continue to be my mentors and have played a huge role in making me who I am today. But while I was there, there were times when all I wanted to do was shoot them and myself through the head, all at once. Just to put an end to the misery. Now that it’s over, I miss my team, I miss the buzz. But whatever. I cannot have it all- and I am ok with it. Tolerance, remember?
5. Friends still play an important role in my life, but Iv also started seeing them with their quirks and falsities. I don’t love them less for it but I know they have their issues and I also have mine. I understand that not doing everything together doesn’t make you less of a friend and being together always is also no indication of a close friendship. Yes, I know, late realizations but realizations nevertheless.
6. One thing that I really need to start doing, on a front foot almost, is spending more time with M. We are too caught up in our own lives to spend time with each other. We have friends home very often and we like having people over. But maybe I need to take some time out just for him and spend some time just walking around him and being around him in general. Often these days I hear him complaining about how I am on the phone or the internet,even while I’m at home and therefore so distanced and removed. I intend to correct that and be around him and disconnected from the virtual world and my phone, while I’m at home. I am sure it will have its issues, but we shall deal with that when we come to it.
7. I am very aware of our mortality and it scares me to think where I will be in life without the people I love. Therefore, the plan is to cherish each of these people and take out time for them.
8. Work will always be there but work is a necessity. Work is not life. We work to live and its not the other way around. I have started working on a few ideas that I will like to explore on my own in the year ahead or atleast make a start. So let’s see how it goes and *fingers crossed*
So there it is, etched in stone. The learnings have been worthwhile. Lost friends along the way, made some new ones. But it’s all been worth the effort. People who were meant to be a part of my life have continued to do so, understanding my angst and my frustrations. People who thought otherwise, have continued to do so. And there is no love loss.
So here’s to another year- filled with hope, lots of love and dreams. The only thing I wished I really could have changed in the last year or any year hereafter, is get my dad back, forever.