There is this weird feeling of claustrophobia…of someone pulling me down with all her might and not letting me go. Of choking and not being able to untangle the cord that is wound so tightly around my throat that even a whimper will not escape. Of flailing my hands all over the place just so that I can get a grasp of some branch somewhere and pull myself up. It’s like being in a cesspool. The more I struggle, the more I keep going down.
And the worst part of this is that I hate being in this position myself. Every conversation I have filters down to the fact that I still havent been able to get what I want professionally. Every person who has met me in the recent past has probably thought of me as a whiny, sad human being, forever cribbing about what I dont have. But nobody quite understands what I go through. I have not seen any of my friends look so hard for a job and not get one. And that only makes me think that I am either completely uncapable and inefficient or something is mighty wrong with this world. Either way its not a good situation to be in.
I hate what this is making of me as a person- whiny, nasty and generally very crabby. I have forgotten to look at the positives and only the negatives seem to float up and capture my vision. I have forgotten to laugh and sneer at anyone who does well, thinking that their life is so settled and better off than mine. I have gone from being smily to being depressed and down and out. I hate meeting people who talk of success or who are doing well. Because in them I constantly see what I have not been able to become. I see myself in positions others are and somewhere hurt at the fact that nobody thought I was worth this position or the acclaim. I see friends casually talking of jobs and organizations pursuing them and they not thinking its worth the deal and think to myself I wish I was in that position today.
I dont know how but I desperately need to get out of this state of mind. Its killing me, its killing my soul. Its making me this hapless creature who has no control over her life or what fate has in store. Its like being pulled down a river, constantly hitting one rock after the other, trying to look out for the one bend where the river will meet the sea and just be faced with a dense whirlpool in the middle of it all. I need help but I dont know where to go. I need air but I dont know how to breathe. I need vision but my eyes are clouded with fear and self doubt. I am hoping this will pass. People tell me so. But it should pass soon…soon before its too late forever.