In Despair

I am not somebody who believes in the schpeel of destiny and fate and luck. And I’m not somebody who can be easily defeated- emotionally. But today as I sit here and write this, I feel drained completely- physically, mentally, emotionally. Nothing, just nothing seems to be going right.

As I sit in office right now and put my thoughts on paper, my father is being diagnosed for a block in his heart- I know what that means, though I don’t want to. My paternal family has a history of heart problem and Iv lost close relatives because of severe heart attacks and dad has just come out of a huge cerebral attack. M and me are going through enough crises of our own, trying to sort out some old nagging issues and start life on a fresh foot- thank god, we are okay together- because if we were not okay with each other, I don’t think we would have survived anything!!! He is truly my soul-mate and it is in these darkest hours of our lives that I realize what being married TRULY means!!! M’s mother has also been diagnosed with some kind of kidney problem and she is also on her way to getting cured and my brother is laid up with a very bad back, miles away from the country.

I rarely speak to GOD though I pray everyday. I sincerely believe there is a great difference between praying and speaking to God. I used to speak to him/her at one point of time when I believed in the notion. But over the years Iv seen too many things going wrong and it has completely shaken my belief in the existence of GOD. Of course there is something supernatural in this world- something or someone who tells you what to do, something or someone who is your conscience, but I do not necessarily believe in any physical manifestation of it. When I pray, I pray only for the health of my loved ones and for peace in the world- yes it might sound utterly philosophical but I feel that if those around me are healthy and there is peace and love in the world, everything else will automatically fall into place- maybe its just my perception but yes, that’s my belief.

So today, when I sit here despairing, not knowing whom to turn to, not knowing where to go to find some peace of mind, tears well up in my eyes. Because its probably me who’s cut off all relations with GOD upstairs that I cant find even a route to reach him/her again. Im sure all troubles pass- Iv heard others saying so. But I haven’t seen it myself. Im hoping it will because if it doesn’t, maybe that’s what destiny had in store for me.

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