She woke up with a knot in her stomach. You know that feeling of anxiety? When you cant swim any further but there’s still a way to go? Yeah, that! He had left the night before in a flash. There was none of the customary “ I’ll see you around” or “ you take care”. It was just a hurried “ I’ve got to go” kind of thing as he got off the bed, wore his clothes and left. They were there a few minutes ago, their fingers intertwined, their mouths joined in love, their minds each other’s. She lay there smelling the sheets, her mind refusing to understand what just happened, but determined to find out.

They had met just a fortnight ago. And before they knew it, they were in each other’s arms, drinking tinkling glasses of bubbly, telling each other stories, numbing the other’s pain. He came with many disclaimers. He was not the one to fall in love. He didn’t want anything much- just a friend, just a hand to hold, just a laugh to share. He was her city, he was her childhood, he was what she knew. Yet as she saw him 20 years later, he was perhaps not the man she knew. He had changed and she didn’t seem to mind it. She was a changed woman herself. Life had put her through the ringer as she liked to call it and she had emerged on the other side, stronger, calmer and hardier. She didn’t like indexes of happiness to measure her life. Those were too transient she said. Happiness is a state of mind, relative. Often a glass of wine made her as happy as a fantastic piece of writing she had read. That ice cream that she had stored forever could make her as happy as dark clouds after a scorching summer. These were islands, in the middle of a sea. She would enjoy it when she was there. But she liked the roughness of the sea better. The unease, the sound, the waves, the spots of calm. It taught her to adapt. To bend herself in ways she didn’t know but ways she didn’t mind. And it is with that, that she met him. Zero expectations with only the desire to share a moment.

He was a well known restaurateur- suave, funny, charming, cocky and arrogant. He knew what he had and he played it to the hilt. Women came and women went, women swooned and declared undying love. He sat there with a smug grin on his face, knowing where to play the cards and how. He was a master in this- bare, upfront, without a thing to hide. What attracted most people was his unfazed attitude to anything. He had a lot to hide, a lot to be wary of. But it was all there for people to see. It almost seemed like he was looking for an excuse for someone to call him out. To tell him that his mind was not as impervious as he had thought it to be. That he too could be shaken out of his reverie.

He met her online. First time for who she was. The second time for who she wanted to be. She was upfront with him- she was in disguise and it was his game to find out who she was. She played his mind, played his thoughts and maybe a little part of the brain where his emotions came to rest. He played along, completely mesmerized, almost taken in by this image of someone he knew but didn’t want to. She played him to her tunes, he played along. She drove him through rough terrains, left him floating in the sea, walked with him amidst flowers and rolling meadows. He seemed content, as long he she was beside him. He didn’t want to be left alone, he said. He was happy but scared she would go. She was the mirage he never had. She was the shiny new toy that he was scared to lose. He spent 72 hours riding this wave, completely enthralled that there was a woman who could tame his mind like nobody ever did before.


It was a thrill at first to be able to control a mind she couldn’t in reality. She couldn’t understand this side of her. She was not being true to herself, not to him. She was playing a part and while he knew that, it just seemed unfair. There was an excitement of exploring her wild crazy side- of being the teasing enchantress she had never been. Running through forests, hiding behind curtains, just to let the light seep in but not enough for him to see. She knew he loved it because she was being the temptress. She was speaking in a voice he didn’t know. She was breaking apart all the spaces he knew. She was breaking the walls he lived inside of.

But it didnt turn out the way she wanted it to. She was riding this wave with him. She wasnt controlling him anymore. Their chemistry was controlling them. The more she tried to walk away, almost begging him to guess who she was in real life, he fell more and more in love with the person she wasnt. Every time she pushed him away, he appeared a bit closer. Every time she thought she thought she would pull away, he pulled her back into his arms, refusing to let her go, refusing to let her disclose who she really was. It was like a drug she couldn’t control. While she laughed and mocked him for being so crazy, she only hoped this facade would come to an end. That she could hold him in real life and look into his eyes and tell him who she was. That he would be at her door, mesmerized not with who she pretended to be, but who she was, or maybe a bit of both.


She told him one night. Literally hearing him cry over texts, distraught by the fact that he was taken over by someone he knew and yet didn’t, she told him. She could hear the pin drop as she waited to hear what he would say. He didnt. Not a word, not an explanation. He just walked away.

In Response

A dirge is only for the weak hearted
Those who have given up on the song of life
It’s not a song for the one whose soul still sings of light
Whose words still make grey skies seem blue
It’s not our time to give up my friend
But to continue in this battle of hapless souls
Because somewhere out there
There is a light that says
The sun still shines for you

This day, those years!

Remember those days?

It’s your birthday and its Valentine’s day. I still remember the first time you told me this. I was convinced it was just because you wanted an extra kiss. Not that I minded. I actually thought it was very cute. And then when we started going out I could never decide what to celebrate. I wanted to be cool and say your birthday was more important but my heart skipped a little bit every year when I saw you walk in with flowers. You never bought me flowers any other day of the year but every year, today, I knew that routine would be broken. We did corny romantic things and today when I look back at it I laugh but there is this warmth that fills my heart remembering the moments we shared. It was beautiful and it was to last forever. And today I sit in an  auto, passing by young couples holding hands. I don’t miss you. I miss us. I wish there was anger but all that there is, is affection and a deep sense of gratitude for allowing me to experience  overwhelming love at it’s highest order, perhaps and letting the magic change my life.

Happy Valentine’s day. You’ll always be very special and oh, I almost forgot, happy birthday too!

The search ends here!

I wont search for you anymore
Wont look across heads to see that eye meeting mine
Wont walk into parties knowing that you might be there somewhere

I wont cross those bridges, hoping you’ll be on the other side
And that there will never be a bridge again that I might have to cross alone
I wont smile behind my tears again
Knowing that you will never give me a chance to cry again

Those days of searching are over my love
What lies in front of us today
Is a crossroad
Its us who have to take the call

We will choose our fate
And decide
If crossing or meeting is what we want to do!

The year that was…2016 in a nutshell

And like that another year comes to an end. As we roll on from 2016, and to 2017, it’s always nice to look back at the year gone by and count one’s blessings, be thankful for the good and learn from what didn’t go down that well this year. So here’s my little list of the good things that happened this year. There was the bad and thankfully there was nothing exceptionally ugly this year- but there’s no point looking back at it. It was bad but its over and thats what it should be, over!

I’m thankful for:

  1. Strength: Of mind, of heart, of soul. The last two years have not really been a joyride but one of the things that kept me going was a huge inner reserve of strength that I didn’t think I ever had. But as they say  strength manifests itself in moments when you least expect it and this inner reserve has led me through the darkest and loneliest of times, just holding my hand and gently guiding me along.
  2. Hope: Hope is what kept me afloat this year. Hope that the next day will be better than this one. Hope that there will be more smiles than tears. Hope that everything will be ok. It is true that when one starts thinking in a different vein with a different filter, things on the outside seem different and thats what happened. As soon as you look at something with a tinge of hope, what you see is not the black hole in the middle but the little stars twinkling at the edges, looking for a spot through which to get in.
    I spent four nights this year in the middle of a forest and at night I used to sit outside my tent and look up at the sky. Shooting stars and a dark sky with twinkling lights is perhaps one of the most beautiful things this world of ours has to offer. Vast stretches of pitch black darkness and when you least expect it, a twinkling little light breaking that darkness and almost just peering out to say hello. That is life. There are stretches when you cant see the road ahead but just then the universe will show you something that makes you smile.
  3. A stable job and a new house: I cant claim to enjoy my job anymore but its stable, I have a fun bunch of people to hang out with and I am good at what I do, even if I say so myself. So I guess the trick is to plough on and be thankful that I get a remuneration that helps me pay my bills and stay afloat. But the more exciting thing is that I have a brand new house. After years of procrastinating, this year saw me move into “my own” apartment, which I can claim to be wholly mine, with no baggage and only memories that I will create for myself and people I hold dear and near. I’ve already had lovely house guests and friends who’ve added cheer and warmth and made this place special and I can only hope that this will continue to get better and brighter as the new year rolls in.
  4. Good health: We are all getting old and while I cant claim to be where I am in terms of physical health, shape and fitness, I am thankful for no creaking bones or any major debilitating illness. Of course there have been spates of illness, when all I thought while curled up in my bed, that was my last hour on this planet. But then even that blew over and I woke up to realise I still had all my limbs and organs functioning. The brain is slowly giving way, thanks to old age, but I guess thats for the better- one forgets shit quite easily and continues to smile like nothing ever happened.
  5. Family:  The family has been well and healthy. And that’s saying a lot. Of course there have been tiffs, tears and arguments. But which one of us dont come from dysfunctional families? If you do, you are dysfunctional yourself and time for you to get help. So yeah, beyond all of that everybody was well and on an average happy and calm perhaps if i really stretch the envelope and want to be nice.
  6. Friends: I always put this last because I can never be thankful enough for the bunch that I have and call my own. My friends have been my backbone, my spirit, my strength…everything I could ask for and much more. And for that I am blessed. There have been times when I’ve laughed till I cried and times when I cried because they gave me so much of grief. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, ever. And in 2017 I promise to be a better friend to them and be there for them the way they have been for me!

So that was 2016 in a nutshell, very small shell of an even smaller nut but just a quick glimpse into a year that was. It always helps me put this down because it teaches me to count my blessings when it feels like there is none around. So come on 2017, match up and go beyond 2016 and I promise to write you an effusive soppy note come this time next year.

Happy holidays people and lots of good vibes to you and yours from this side of the screen 🙂

Just a Rant

There is this weird heaviness I feel. Like something’s not right. Like the cover of darkness is slowly sucking me in, one breadth at a time. There are good days and bad days and I’ve lately been riding this wave where I’ve felt happy, been content with what the universe was providing, accepting things for what they were and moving on. It wasn’t a sense of elation exactly but it was a sense of peace with what was going on and what was to come. You know that sense when you know that even though times are difficult, things will fall into place. And then I don’t know what did it, but somewhere I lost that peace again. I don’t know if it was personal relationships ( or semblances of relationships) that got my mind in or generally what was happening with the world. This morning as I scrolled through news feeds, all I saw was these angry rants about Trump, angry rants of Trump supporters, the Delhi air forcing people to leave the city, the endless queues outside banks and ATMs and people scrounging around for a basic semblance of life. And it just made me want to crawl under a cave and hide till the world becomes normal again. I hate this feeling- this utter despondency at the state of the world and not being able to do jackshit about it. Aarrggghhhh lets hope this passes soon and there is some method to this madness which will emerge soon and reinstate our faith in the world.

The customary birthday post

The birthday came and went. Like it does every year. And I think for the first time this year I didn’t feel that anticipation, that excitement, that giddiness of being the birthday girl. Yeah, it’s called age. I walked right into that one, I know 🙂 Anyway, the birthday was well spent, with the closest gang of friends walking in at midnight with cake, followed by a team lunch the next day and a fantastic dinner with the midnight gang and two more of my closest at a very upmarket place. I should remember to mention here that I wore a pretty new dress back to front, to dinner, completely oblivious of the same till I suddenly saw a tag sticking out near my neck while sipping a drink. I thought I would let it go but then again its never fun till one can make an absolute fool of oneself. So dinner was spent just rolling over with laughter in bursts around the table, talking about my dress. Of course I could have gone and changed it around. But then it wouldn’t be so much fun, would it?

Anyway, as I turned a year older, something my friends thought they should remind me every half an hour, I sat back at night and thought of the year thats gone by. And I have to say I have surprised myself in more ways than one. Of course there have been cringe-worthy moments and as I thought of those times, I almost saw myself walk out of my body and slap myself for being so stupid. But, I have to say the good times outweighed the bad. I gained strength, emotionally and emerged out of depths I didn’t think I would. Often we dont realise how strong we are and these midnight contemplative exercises are really good shots at holding the mirror up to ourselves and while it does expose the raw, it also often shows us little halos around our head that we ignore. And it makes one feel good. Makes you realise that where you are today, with due respect to people around you, is also because you worked very hard and you should be proud and happy to have come such a long way. Makes you understand that there will be bumps on the road but you only know bumps, because you also know what a smooth road is like. And if it wasn’t for the bumps, a smooth road would be so boring and you would fall asleep and not even enjoy what the world has to offer. So the bumps keep us awake, keep us alert, keep us aware and keep us thankful that we are still moving on. Makes you realise the past is the past for a reason  and while one can learn from the past and also perhaps think of it with a smile, its something that needs to be left behind. So all in all, while its been a difficult year, its a year I am grateful for because this year taught me that its OK to fall and its even better to get up again, dust my knees, put on a band-aid and start walking again.

So as I bid adieu to my youth and beauty, I smiled and went to bed, knowing that next year this time I still might not have what I really want from my core but I will still be a step closer than I am now. And that is worth walking on for!